5/26/2017 - Engage Paddles! Stand Back! Beer ... I Mean, Clear!

Attending: Cash, Chessticles, Frank, Lewis, Pastor, Raymond, Rick Dipego, SAM, Silent Bob, Solomon, Scribe, Tango, Whitey

While the crowd was large, the mood was tranquilo.

Early on, Whitey waived off a pitcher of Yuengling in favor of Miller Lite. Having interpreted this as an early refusal of all beer, Cash's eyes looked like two Frisbees, and the table began scanning the premises for a defibrillator.

Cash nearly violated the table's no politics policy by saying that while his president only has a 150-word vocabulary, he used one of those words--loser--effectively in describing today's terrorists.

Whitey received something on his phone, groaned, and returned from the bathroom hunched over with his hands in his pockets. We later learned he had just received a $2.8 million commitment letter from the bank. Speaking of real estate, things must have started to become uninteresting late in the meeting because Chessticles was selling an ocean-front condo to table 15, and Lewis turned his chair toward Table 13.

And the T-14 mantra of the day is: "Are you leaving now that you've had enough club soda?"

5/20/2017 (Special Edition) - Cash's 80th Birthday

In Attendance: Barry, Cash (Who knew?), Dreadlock Fetus, Pastor, Raymond, SAM, Scribe, Silent Bob, Solomon, Tango, Whitey

The table got together for an open bar. Oh, and it was Cash's 80th birthday! Almost forgot. But alas, the standard T-14 excuse for lapses in memory is, "I forget because I drink," incidentally uttered in Cash's eloquent speech. And all forgets are forgiven.

So what did we learn? Well, preferring beer to basic undergarments, Cash had a 4.0 in college as his average blood alcohol level.

We learned that Whitey and Scribe have the same shirts, but while Scribe buys them at (what he understands to be) legitimate establishments, Whitey gets them from Libyan terrorists.

We also learned that Raymond used to share an apartment with Chuck Lorre.

We learned that when Pastor has a microphone in his hand, it turns into a speech lynching of unsuspecting party-goers.

We learned that Jim is double-jointed. His demonstration of backward-folding elbows initiated a small sideshow, culminating in his sister's claim that Cash can put his legs behind his head, spawning mutual groans in the room and lengthening the line at the bar materially.  

Whitey schooled the group on the physics of missile launches. Solomon uttered "Yeah, 7 missiles at 4 o'clock. Definitely 7 missiles," as Rainman.

Most of all, we learned a) Cash is really, really, really, really, really (to the 342nd power) in love with Sue and really (to the 572nd power) grateful for her having supported him all these years, b) should his marriage ever end, it will be his demise by gunshot (hopefully as he sleeps), and c) the renewal of his vows was really (to the 934th power) awesome.

A sketch to send to SNL:

FADE IN:

Dreadlock Fetus went to the bathroom, and the Pastor followed him. (DISCLAIMER: This statement, rife with impropriety on the surface, was obtained from Solomon).

                                                   SOLOMON

                                                    (To Pastor)

                                   Did you guys cross swords?

                                                  DREADLOCK FETUS

                                   I have a red lightsaber.

                                                  WHITEY

                                   You should see a doctor.

                                                   SOLOMON

                                   Sounds like a personal problem.

FADE OUT.

And the mantra for this Table 14 special edition blog (uttered by Scribe when asked why he didn't book a room at the hotel): "We're cheap and we don't live far!"