5/26/2017 - Engage Paddles! Stand Back! Beer ... I Mean, Clear!

Attending: Cash, Chessticles, Frank, Lewis, Pastor, Raymond, Rick Dipego, SAM, Silent Bob, Solomon, Scribe, Tango, Whitey

While the crowd was large, the mood was tranquilo.

Early on, Whitey waived off a pitcher of Yuengling in favor of Miller Lite. Having interpreted this as an early refusal of all beer, Cash's eyes looked like two Frisbees, and the table began scanning the premises for a defibrillator.

Cash nearly violated the table's no politics policy by saying that while his president only has a 150-word vocabulary, he used one of those words--loser--effectively in describing today's terrorists.

Whitey received something on his phone, groaned, and returned from the bathroom hunched over with his hands in his pockets. We later learned he had just received a $2.8 million commitment letter from the bank. Speaking of real estate, things must have started to become uninteresting late in the meeting because Chessticles was selling an ocean-front condo to table 15, and Lewis turned his chair toward Table 13.

And the T-14 mantra of the day is: "Are you leaving now that you've had enough club soda?"

5/20/2017 (Special Edition) - Cash's 80th Birthday

In Attendance: Barry, Cash (Who knew?), Dreadlock Fetus, Pastor, Raymond, SAM, Scribe, Silent Bob, Solomon, Tango, Whitey

The table got together for an open bar. Oh, and it was Cash's 80th birthday! Almost forgot. But alas, the standard T-14 excuse for lapses in memory is, "I forget because I drink," incidentally uttered in Cash's eloquent speech. And all forgets are forgiven.

So what did we learn? Well, preferring beer to basic undergarments, Cash had a 4.0 in college as his average blood alcohol level.

We learned that Whitey and Scribe have the same shirts, but while Scribe buys them at (what he understands to be) legitimate establishments, Whitey gets them from Libyan terrorists.

We also learned that Raymond used to share an apartment with Chuck Lorre.

We learned that when Pastor has a microphone in his hand, it turns into a speech lynching of unsuspecting party-goers.

We learned that Jim is double-jointed. His demonstration of backward-folding elbows initiated a small sideshow, culminating in his sister's claim that Cash can put his legs behind his head, spawning mutual groans in the room and lengthening the line at the bar materially.  

Whitey schooled the group on the physics of missile launches. Solomon uttered "Yeah, 7 missiles at 4 o'clock. Definitely 7 missiles," as Rainman.

Most of all, we learned a) Cash is really, really, really, really, really (to the 342nd power) in love with Sue and really (to the 572nd power) grateful for her having supported him all these years, b) should his marriage ever end, it will be his demise by gunshot (hopefully as he sleeps), and c) the renewal of his vows was really (to the 934th power) awesome.

A sketch to send to SNL:

FADE IN:

Dreadlock Fetus went to the bathroom, and the Pastor followed him. (DISCLAIMER: This statement, rife with impropriety on the surface, was obtained from Solomon).

                                                   SOLOMON

                                                    (To Pastor)

                                   Did you guys cross swords?

                                                  DREADLOCK FETUS

                                   I have a red lightsaber.

                                                  WHITEY

                                   You should see a doctor.

                                                   SOLOMON

                                   Sounds like a personal problem.

FADE OUT.

And the mantra for this Table 14 special edition blog (uttered by Scribe when asked why he didn't book a room at the hotel): "We're cheap and we don't live far!"

5/19/2017 - Thanks for the Mammaries

Attending: Cash, (Sorry) Charlie (Cash's son-in-law), Dreadlock Fetus, Frank, Levy, Pastor, SAM (self-appointed mentee - Mike), Scribe, Silent Bob, Tango, Tom, Whitey

Upon Scribe arriving late from an interview, Tom realized he was late for a beating from his wife and left in a trail of smoke and fire that melted the Velcro on his shoes. It would be funny if he actually had Velcro on his shoes because Scribe is not nearly observant enough to know.

Watch this!

Scribe's half-hour absence was ample time for Pastor to have a life revelation--more money is better than less.

Then DF arrived and immediately took the table on a trip down mammary lane, showing us a timeline of his female conquests on his phone. Pastor looked at the phone and said, "It's not working!" Several table members started fishing through their pockets for blue pills. Thankfully, he was referring to the screen, which is fine because Cash doesn't like it when people play with their instruments in public, anyway. Many of DF's exhibits had ample phone sex appeal.

Speaking of pills, it may be shocking to know that DF buys them in $55-dollar lots to get laid ... by the Herbalife chick. Sounds like he's going to need us to take up a collection soon. 

DF introduced everyone to a new position he uses on his business/pleasure meetings/dates called the 401k rollover.

Here is a lecture by a Nepalese professor on behalf of Whitey explaining the versatility of the word fuck.

And the Table 14 mantra of the week (courtesy of Cash's persistence) is "Drinking iced tea at our table is like":

• Bringing pennies to a poker game.
• Bringing a Yugo to a drag race.
• Bringing a wiffle bat to the World Series.
• Bringing high heels to a 100m sprint, or
• Peeing on a forest fire.

5/5/2017 - May the Seventh Be With You

Barry, Cash, Dreadlock Fetus, Mike, Pastor, Scribe, Silent Bob, Tom

It was a quiet day. Not much activity ...

We called the meeting to order and immediately launched into the stupidest dialogue recorded on planet Earth thus far this year (before even half a beer had been drunk):

Barry: Can you believe they have a Star Wars day?

Tom: When was that?

Barry: May 4th. You know what they say? "May the 4th be with you."

Scribe: Yeah, but why does it fall in May?

Yes, ladies and gents. That happened.

Pastor is on a new circuit training program. He alternates:

• Beer: Monday, Wednesday, Friday (Supersets)
• Dewars: Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday
• Saturday: Rest (Cleans)

Cash is selling his art. Tom has donated some finger painting that will fetch quite a prize at auction.

And the Table 14 mantra of the week is: Silent Bob's son is a lot closer to god than Tom is.

4/28/2017 - At Least This One's Better than Green Cheese to the Head

Attendance: Not taken. There will be beatings.

Thank you yet another time for Solomon taking minutes while scribe had a call with a prospect so that his wife will stop claiming him as a dependent on her 1040.

Solomon's contributions:

To Fridays! Jim Wolff imitating the sound.....Cheers Cheers Cheers Clink, Thud (Steve Chess's empty hand). 

Gregoire has a back up nick name. Tripple B BBB the Black Benjamin Button. 

Anthony has the MOAB of watches. Gregoire said its a black mans watch. Anthony admitted to "overcompensating" and to "accidentally" concussing a few women with it during coitus. 

After events unfolded Anthony's new nickname is Karmastone. 

Evidently the price of used vehicles and gefilte fish are connected and go up quickly.

Scribe takes over:

Scribe regaled the group with a story about his roommate hitting an unsuspecting pedestrian with half a wheel of moldy Kentucky Trappist cheese as the victim cruised the quad at the University of Miami around midnight.

If you're ever under the weather, feeling crook, or have the dreaded lurgy, chewing on a moist towelette cures everything.

Have you ever seen the people with no arms masturbate? DF has, and he has that secret sauce.

And the Table 14 mantra of the week is: "My son is hung like a horse but I am not!"

4/21/2017 - These Wings are Flocking Disgusting!

Attending: Ant-ny, Benny, Cash, Chessticles, Dreadlock Fetus, Mike, Panama, Pastor, Scribe, Silent Bob, Solomon, Tango, Tom, Whitey

Table 14 was taken due to occupancy by two new members of Pastor's flock of granddaughters.

The meeting was brought to order promptly at an adjacent table at 4 o'clock, with our first order of business, revisiting Jihad Eradication. As a refresher, Cash has a Jihad of his own against Wikipedia, not having been able to publish the definition if his term on their site anonymously. You know, like a guy who still has a head. Scribe did some research, and it does seem that modifications to Wikipedia can be tied to an IP address rather than a person. Upon this explanation, the twice-fried chicken wings became garnished with Cash's brain. It was determined that Cash could define this term, but being anonymous, he could only do so if 1) he added it to an existing (not a new) article and 2) he could site a reputable work. So, Cash, add it here, and I got your reputable work right here! Enjoy your upcoming tenure at Table 12. and we don't know you.

Speaking of flocks, as proceedings ensued, it became clear that attendance would exceed the capacity of a normal table. Table 14 had to migrate to the "Big Table", which certainly has a number, but not one known to Scribe, as Southport management could not be reached for comment. Upon returning from the latrine, Pastor found his seat to be a bit cramped. His request to "grab it and pull it," thoroughly confusing half of us. We are taking up a collection to fund a bullhorn for future communication across this table and to install a basketball hoop at each end. 

Traveling down memory lane to yet another prior table topic--armageddon--Cash and SB commenced a discussion about the current extracurriculars in North Korea. It quickly became apparent that Cash knew a fair bit about Naval vessels, and upon inquiry, we discovered that Cash was a stand-in for Jack Wrangler in Naval movies to boost "morale". He was honorably discharged after a destroyer deck party where he was a stand-in for a lawn stake, and a horseshoe broke his "morale".

This is the point that Cash started asking Pastor's granddaughters if they wanted to see Jack Wrangler.

Speaking of dating, the table expressed a long repressed concern that one Dreadlock Fetus' many chickadees might possibly tie his dreads to a bedpost and steal all his belongings--still better than an Indian guy playing a banjo. Hey, I didn't have anywhere else to put it! 

Speaking of not having anywhere to put it, Dreadlock Fetus abruptly announced, "I am single again," prompting Benny to sit on an errant cork that someone had left on the deck. The fact that Dreadlock Fetus was even involved with a steady partner was--and probably still is--news to about 90% of the table.

Cash requested an entry be put in the blog that our editorial board thinks the better of including on the blog for sake of Cash's legal wellbeing. Suffice to say there was an incident involving Cash, his van, and a sheep on a bicycle. We can only assume it was a sheep because the only thing it could say was "bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!" The sheep also could not be reached for comment.

For the apparent need of all our collective clarity, here are some examples of anagrams:

And the Table 14 mantra for the week is: I got your bag right here!

4/14/2017 - Only 1770s Kids Will Remember This Party

Scribe thankfully posts this content authored by Solomon in his absence.

Attendees: (Full list unknown) Ant-ny, Dreadlock Fetus, Mike, Pastor, Perfect Storm, Ryan (the new guy and Cousin Vinny), Silent Bob, Solomon, Whitey

Evidently the Perfect Storm is also the perfect squirter. Technically he squirted Pastor with a lemon but nonetheless, it was determined Ant-ny has a shitty real estate agent. 

The other perfect squirter

Once again Pastor left his car keys during the table switch but this time it was caught quickly. 

Silent Bob decided he didn't like his full beer so he proceeded to silently spill it everywhere. 

When concerned about his taxes Ant-ny looked at Dave and said "Hey Jew when is the tax deadline"? 

Due to sounding like Joe Pesci, Ryan the new guy has been nicknamed Cousin Vinny. 

DF and Mike sat in the corner. Ant-ny and Dave agreed this was collusion. We tried to get Whitey to sit next to them so that color would go in descending order but he would not cooperate. 

Pastor tried to recall where he was from the ages of 22-28. Per Ant-ny part of that time he must have been at the Boston Tea Party.

And the Table 14 mantra of the day is: There are known knowns, unknowns, non knowns, and of course things we don't know.

3/13/2017 - Armageddon Out of Here!

Attending: Cash, Frank, Raymond, Scribe, Pastor, Perfect Storm, Tango

Despite prolific laughter emanating from the table, the conversation topics were dour, at best. The general theme: Armageddon. This topic was championed by Perfect Storm, positing that shortly, the only organisms gracing the table will be people with gold, roaches, amoebas, fruit flies, and Keith Richards (not necessarily carrying gold). During the conversation, cash cited the interest rate in 1932, and he didn't even have to consult his filing cabinet, a.k.a., his pocket.

Just as Scribe was ready to order a pint of hemlock, the topic thankfully shifted as smokergeddon broke out, again. That is, Tango abruptly, out of nowhere but his own brain, jumped out of Silent Bob's traditional seat, shoving chairs--with people in them--out of the way. Someone at the next table had fired up a coffin nail, and Tango was having none of it. Now being retired, going postal was off the table, so he sat strategically positioned to fire a visual laser in this smoker's direction that burnt a hole in the trousers of an unsuspecting rice farmer in Pyongyang. Now having been a former smoker with a severely addictive personality, Scribe jumped at the chance to take Tango's seat, inhaling the secondary sarcoma smog he so used to love. Thank you, Tango!

Then Cash brought up the most important word in the world to him: Jihaderadication, defined (by him) as "A term used by some imams in informal associations of mosques in the United States and some other countries to rid their congregations of some radicals." He apparently would like to post this on Wikipedia, but anonymously since he appreciates the benefits of having a head.

So come to Table 14 for uplifting conversation and cold beer! And let's raise a glass for an uplifting toast to Bill "piece of shit" Di Blasio, reciting the Table 14 mantra for the week: "Sweet little thing, why wait for armageddon when I can take you to paradise right now?"

3/24/2017 - Forget Love. I'd Rather Fall in Beer.

In attendance: Ant-ny, Cash, Chess, Elon Musk (a new nickname for Solomon every week until something sticks), Frank, Lispy Stuttering Steve (Pastor), Mike, Raymond, Rich, Robin Chess, Scribe, Silent Bob, Tom

We all have our talents. Silent Bob passes a paper towel like Lebron, Pastor coats a French fry in salt like he's spray tanning our First Lady, and Ant-ny is late. But there are some weeks where, although much fun was had, reading these posts is like watching flies fuck (credit George Carlin).

Speaking of, in our education section, the unofficial and completely made up meaning of the acronym CRC is Crazy Russian Chic.

The whereabouts of Glen's original Table 14 shirt are unknown. Pastor had it last which means it's probably in Mexico with Tom Brady's jersey.

The most energetic moments at the table were produced by a lengthy "discussion" between Ant-ny and Pastor about an extension that Pastor had asked Ant-ny for in selling his property. Ant-ny dug back to his days on the gang and narcotics task force, leering at Pastor, attempting to intimidate him into submission on the issues at hand. When Ant-ny finally had Pastor on the ropes, Pastor attempted to talk sense into him saying, "Look, kid. You know I always just want to help you get ahead," to which Ant-ny replied, "I'd have thought you'd be able to give better head after your 103 years of existence." Our phone calls to determine how Ant-ny would know this went unreturned. Ant-ny comported himself in a manner so menacing and terrorizing--with such unabashed savagery--that later in the week, Pastor had no recollection of the incident. During an exclusive phone interview with the Table 14 Bugle, Pastor summarized his deductive assessment of the episode as, "Hey! I drink, and I forget."

Yeah, nothing friggin' happened.

In closing, the Table 14 mantra of the week is: "Well, la-di-frickin' da! We've got ourselves a writer here!"

3/17/2017 - Hey, That Lobster Has Steve's Keys!

Cash, Chess, Dreadlock Fetus, Panama, Perfect Storm, Scribe, Silent Bob, Steve, Tom

A beautiful South Florida day began with Pastor coaching the table into their best impression of a family of penguins huddling eggs in an arctic windstorm. Mike (I believe his name is), the manager's, personality hernia apparently flared up again, putting the table in a self-imposed timeout for fear that he might ask each of us to write 100 times "I will not encroach upon pedestrian thoroughfares at the table."

Silent Bob showcased his most prized magic trick, where he makes someone else's keys disappear. Quite remarkable, it is, as eight witnesses were ignorant to the trick, including Bob. Then, in a whirlwind of fanfare, confident mystique, and imaginary mist, Bob unveiled the incredible reveal (to no less than himself) that the keys were in his pocket. David Blaine beware!

Since the T-Mobile contacts fairy recently visited Pastor, Tom and he exchanged information. As Tom entered his information into Pastor's phone, Pastor requested he file it under "Asshole", making it easy to find. Tom told Pastor her prefers to go by his Game of Thrones name: "Tom of the House of Assholes, the last son of the Assholes, Postman of Yesterday, Man of Tomorrow,  Lauderdale Marvel, the Bearer of Mail, a Man of Beer and Laughter, Neither a Bird nor a Plane." That wouldn't fit in the iPhone, so he entered himself as "Tom".

We learned that Dreadlock Fetus has honorary involvement with Johnson and Wales University because he has a whale of a johnson. He also can't go to some of Pastor's evening networking events because they conflict with breakfast.

Speaking of Dreadlock Fetus, he showed the table the official Emily Post approved method for eating shell-on shrimp. That is, open the hatch, eat it shell-on (tail included), and calmly await appendicitis. This method of eating marries perfectly with his life philosophy: "I don't believe in just the tip." An anonymous source reports the following morning, he passed a whole lobster. I now encourage you to go back and look at the title of this blog.

At risk of turning this into a Dreadlock Fetus blog, an additional paragraph would be lacking if not to relay Dreadlock's account of living in a Orthodox Jewish Los Angeles neighborhood where he became famous for traveling with a jar of bacon grease and helping all the ladies activate and switch off their vibrators on the Sabbath day to which they would gleefully shriek, "You bring so much color to the neighborhood!"

In closing, the Table 14 mantra for the week is, take your pick:

- I haven't lost it. I never had it.

- Hail, hail! The gang's all here!